Here’s an interesting Facebook group that’s popped up: How to Date a 1L: First Year Required Companion Class.

For anyone who has been there, you know how bang-on this is.

From their wall:

Fidelity:

• Just because I never call you back or I text you a week later, does not mean I’m not interested, or I’m cheating on you. Really, I’m not that deep. I don’t have time to even consider what kind of signal I’m sending or how you might interpret it. I’m just not sending it because I. Did. Not. Have. Time.

• Just because I talk about that guy/girl from my class incessantly does not mean we are sleeping together. I actually don’t even like him/her, we just spend 14 hours a day together so it’s hard not to repeat their name.

• Speaking of sex…when I have a window of opportunity, you need to drop everything. That window might close in 5 minutes and it might not come again until after LRW.

• And if I only last those 5 minutes, it’s no indication of my real performance ability– it’s just that I have to get back to the library.

Communication & Language:

• If you want me to actually read your email, label it with the name of one of my classes (civpro, con law, exam, etc).

• If you get a real live phone call consider yourself lucky, it’s the equivalent to spending a day together.

• Essentially we’re down to text messages and a booty call.

• I may talk funny and disproportionately use the words burden, rational, substantial, reasonable….and injury. See attached Glossary of Terms in the Index. Please know what LRW stands for and that a Tort is not edible but that I can’t explain exactly what it means either.

• Please download the attached LRW schedule into your PDA. Circle those days in your calendar and know that the 7 days preceding I will turn into a psychopath.

• My sense of humor might seem a bit warped because I can now joke about murder, rape, euthanasia, and sexual harassment. It’s really a sign of maturity and nothing else, but you might not understand.

• Know my professor’s names, nicknames, idiosyncrasies, and physical endowments or abnormalities. It’s not strange, but funny that I comment on their genitals, facial hair, boxing ability, or how they’d look naked. I have to sit and watch them everyday, what else would you start thinking about? Nod when I begin to channel them, and if you can mimic them back – even better.

Support:

• Don’t ever, I repeat EVER, try to encourage me by using the word ‘fine’ in any iteration. I.e. “I’m sure you’ll/it/everything will do/be fine” is prohibited.
o Instead, when I am complaining or crying, remind me how incredibly hard this is and that you can’t believe how I am able to make it, the only answer is that I have superhuman strengths and therefore I deserve mad props. And tell me I am going to be an excellent lawyer.

• I have no idea what is going on in the outside world so I might sound a little ignorant when we’re talking with your parents. Please don’t make me feel worse – just whisper a few current events nuggets into my ear, I can make up the rest. Remember, I’m a lawyer.

• Gifts you ask? Food, food, and food. Preferably of the hot-meal variety – please no granola bars, any bars, sandwiches, pizza, or 85c cookies. Or you can send me an assistant who will do things for me that a normal person has time for like: laundry, taking out the garbage, paying my bills, changing my sheets, reminding me to shower…

• On the subject of gifts – you won’t be getting anything for a while, and thank you for understanding that I have forgotten your birthday and Christmas. For the next 3 years. Valentine’s Day – not a chance, it’s a made up holiday anyway.

Aesthetics:

• I am well aware that I look like crap on a stick. Just wait ‘til May.
o And don’t remind me. Instead of telling me I look really tired, try this: “You look like you really could use a massage, here – put your feet up”.

• When we first met I know you probably liked my fresh, youthful baby face. Learn to embrace the new rugged, creased, homeless-man at times look.

• My shower and primp frequency might not be where it used to be. And around those circled LRW days in your calendar, it will be close to zero.

• I will brush my teeth though – for me that is ‘dressing up’.