Authorities in Minnesota report that sixteen-year-old Paige Brewster is missing and believed to be residing with once-and-future Minnesota gubernatorial candidate Jonathon Sharkey. Sharkey, 44, is purportedly helping Brewer obtain legal emancipation from her mother. News of their relationship has prompted a slew of outraged comments on local news websites.
A description of Sharkey found on his MySpace page sheds some light on the public’s ire:
Jonathon “The Impaler†Sharkey is one of the most known and infamous Vampyres in the world. He gained national and international attention in 2006 when he announced his candidacy for Governor of Minnesota. Jonathon is running for Governor of Minnesota in 2010. Governor Pewlenty [sic] withdrew from the race the day after Jonathon made his unofficially [sic] announcement on 1 Jun 09. Jonathon will officially announce his candidacy on the IDES OF MARCH in Rochester, MN.
Unlike most politicians, Jonathon was bringing a “New Deal†to not only Minnesota, but America as well. Jonathon’s hard stance on crime is an understatement. Jonathon feels that those who prey upon and attack the elderly, rape women, molest children, commit acts of terrorism, sell drugs , abuse their authority and violate Americans Constitutional Rights shouldn’t be jailed, they should be brutally IMPALED! Hence, Jonathon’s nickname – “The Impaler.â€
Sharkey The Impaler, according to his Wikipedia page, is a boxer and wrestler, a convicted felon, and a perennial candidate for public office. In 2004 and 2008 he filed to run for president of the United States under the banner of the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party, which he founded.
Brewster, for her part, has been active on local news blogs covering her saga. She denies that she is a runaway and that The Impaler is a pedophile. She claims that she was abused by her mother. Brewer’s mother claims that her daughter has been brainwashed by The Impaler. (The claim has some credibility: vampires possess powers of hypnosis, if Bram Stoker can be relied upon.)
Recently The Impaler posted a video online in which he proposed to Brewster. Subsequent comments indicate that she accepted the proposal. The video is SFW but not SF your dignity, or The Impaler’s.
Possibly after the requisite bat-blood-drinking ceremony, Brewster will join The Impaler as a creature of the night for all eternity, Ã la Twilight.
Which part of this story is most noteworthy: the grown man (perhaps thousands of years old!) shacked up with a sixteen-year-old girl? the girl’s efforts to be emancipated from her family? the fact that her paramour wears a black trench-coat and sword and subscribes to something called Luciferianism? Still, fangs and all, Jonathon Sharkey is only the second weirdest Minnesotan.