Lake Superior State Unicorn Hunting Regulations
Lake Superior State University apparently has a sense of humour. On the school’s website you can find an interesting regulation relating to an endangered species on campus:
Unicorn Hunting Regulations
The following regulations will be enforced by the Wildebeastle (Mythical) Division of the Department of Natural Unicorns of the Unicorn Hunters of Lake Superior State University:
- AREAS OPEN TO QUESTERS
- Moon (unexplored areas only)
- Milky Way (SE Rim is closed odd years)
- All else
- BAG LIMITS:
- Only one Unicorn per month. A success ratio higher than this often results in a form of euphoria, which of course requires a mental truss. This is highly undesirable.
- Female unicorns may not be taken. Since no one has ever sighted a female unicorn it is believed that males reproduce asexually.
- TERM OF SEASON. All days of the year except St. Agnes’ Eve. This exception is to protect hares who limp trembling through frozen grass from being trampled by running unicorns. Bow and arrow season is Oct. 1 – Nov. 14, then Dec. 1 – Jan. 1.
- APPROVED QUESTING DEVICES. Unicorns may be taken with:
- Serious Intent
- Iambic Pentameter
- General levity
- Sweet talk
- BAIT. The only recognized legal unicorn bait is a virgin. While it is not illegal to use simulated virgins, such practice is definitely not cricket, as any student of Arthur knows.
- QUESTING HOURS. Unicorns may be taken during daylight and dark except for those hours when the Tooth Fairy is about. She was once frightened by a grumpy unicorn and in deference to her attitude we make the exception.
- USE OF ARTIFICIAL LIGHT. It is illegal to use artificial light to take unicorns.
- BANDED UNICORNS. Some unicorns have been banded by the DNU to indicate age and level of esthetic energy. Upon taking a banded unicorn, it is required that the band be removed and sent to the Department of Natural Unicorns (DNU) of Lake Superior State University.
- QUESTING UNIFORM. Uniforms may be tailored individually, but must be colored either Mordred Red or Gawaine Green, depending on whether one is chasing the unicorn or vice versa.
- LICENSE. Actually, we prefer not to think of this activity in terms of license, but rather of privilege, therefore please read on to the next item.
- PRIVILEGE. A Unicorn Questing Privilege may be obtained free of charge at the University’s website, www.lssu.edu/banished, under “Unicorn Hunters.” If you do not have computer access, call or write the LSSU Public Relations Office, 650 W. Easterday Ave., Sault Ste. Marie, Mich., 49783, 906-635-2315. License must be worn over the heart, pinned with a sprig of rosemary. The Questing License has been reviewed by the Wildlife Division of the Department of Natural Resources of the State of Michigan.
- DRAWING FOR PRIVILEGE. In the event that the unicorn herd diminishes to numbers smaller than five per square dream, a drawing will be held to determine privilege holders.
- QUESTING KIT. The following items are recommended for serious pursuit of the unicorn:
- One small flask of cognac
- A one-ounce bottle of Unicorn Lure
- A pair of pinking shears
- A large envelope
- One airmail stamp
- A nail clipper (with file)
- One curry comb
- A small bottle of hoof and horn polish
- A pair of hoof trimmers
- EQUAL OPPORTUNITY. The DNU is an equal opportunity privilege granter. No privilege may be issued before a search iIs made to insure that discrimination has not been used against members of any race or sex, with the exception that poets wearing a sprig of myrtle pinned to their underwear may be issued a privilege without a search.
We’ve checked, and Lake Superior State does not have a law school unfortunately. There is a promising pre-law program though for students interested in what is certainly a distinctive post-secondary institution.